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Relationships, and other transactions


Over the weekend I attended a friend’s wedding.  Part of the ceremony included a hugely formal display of the dowry: a spreading out of the money and gold, gifts of fruit and other foods, and expensive embroidered cloth which was offered to the bride’s family.  This is very important for the family it shows proper respect to the family.  The first time I ever saw this, I was shocked more than a little.  It seemed to somehow cheapen what the wedding should have been all about – to bring it down to nothing much more than a normal business type transaction.  “Here is the money we agreed to.  Now, I’ll take your daughter.”  Business transaction complete.

I’d always thought marriage was about love.  This is what I learned in my culture anyway.  We Westerners like to think about relationships, (especially those between a man and woman) in terms of  “love” (nevermind that no two of us ever have the same definition), “friendship”, and “family”.  We like words like “trust” and “loyalty”. 

Not here – relationships are all a negotiation, and the longer the relationship is, the longer the negotiation takes, and the more there is at stake.

Living in Asia has made a whole new world of values come to life for me.  Relationships are transactions  and these must be negotiated.  It is always healthy to keep clearly in mind, what the negotiation is about.  What are the stakes?  What is being offered?  What is expected in return?  Nothing is offered for free and in a negotiation, thinking that your values are better than those around you will put you at a disadvantage.

Here are a few things that may be good to consider:

    1.    Family is always involved.  Unless you’re dealing with an orphan, the family is involved and whether you realize it or not, they are a part of the transaction.

    2.    Love is not nearly as important as other aspects you may overlook – such as the ability to guarantee future comfort levels.

    3.    Immediate gain is better than a guarantee for something in the future.  Perhaps this is our common ground?

Long term relationships require continuous negotiations.  🙂

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